How To Annoy Team Jigsaw
by Helen Young
Summary: I co-wrote this with my friend Jacalyn Hyde when we were hyper and Mountain Dew drunk one afternoon, so here ya go. Pretty much a list of how to annoy Team Jigsaw. May update.  Most likely


1. Tell Amanda that Hoffman is the favorite.

2. Tell Hoffman that Amanda is the favorite.

3. And watch them kill each other before they kill you.

4. Remind Hoffman that John owns his ass and Jill is going to inherit it.

5. Tell Amanda that John really is in love with Lynn Denlon.

6. Order Hoffman and Amanda to play nicely together.

7. Mention needles to Amanda.

8. Take your life for granted.

9. Replace any of their notes with fake love letters.

10. Discuss Hoffman's 'Inferior' pendulum blade.

11. Give Amanda the number for a suicide hotline, rehab center, or mental hospital.

12. Insist that Amanda was the inspiration for Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug". Ask her if it's about John or Mark.

13. Steal Amanda's eyeliner.

14. Hide all sharp objects in the warehouse.

15. Make a list of ways to annoy Amanda, give it to Mark Hoffman at "work".

16. Make a list of ways to annoy Hoffman, place it in one of John's files for Amanda to find.

17. Anytime you say you approve or disapprove of something, clarify the statement with "in MY opinion" or "TO ME."

18. Tell any member of Team Jigsaw that their games suck and it's no wonder their subjects would rather commit suicide than play by their rules and risk having to meet them later.

19. Tell John that Billy is ridiculous and childish

20. Blame any of the above actions on Billy.

21. Tell John that Jill no longer belongs to him and he needs to move on

22. Call the police station and ask for Hoffman. Tell them you need to discuss the next Jigsaw game with him.

23. Tell Amanda that Bellatrix Lestrange could kick her ass any day.

24. Tell Hoffman his blackmail attempts suck.

25. Compare Hoffman's reverse bear trap to Amanda's.

26. Let Lady Gaga redo Billy's wardrobe

27. Tell Hoffman he isn't allowed coffee anymore but he is still responsible for buying it!

28. Call him HOTTman

29. Overuse words like "Special" and "Distasteful"

30. Inform John that Voldemort is creepier than he could ever hope to be

31. Tell John that Elmo is scarier in ALL ways.

32. Compare Hoffman, John, and Amanda to their celebrity look-alike

33. Flirt with Hoffman in front of Amanda

34. Ask every member of Team Jigsaw if they're Team Edward or Jacob.

35. Tell Hoffman that Jacob looks better shirtless

36. Constantly remind Amanda about her 'False Hope' routine.

37. Constantly remind John of Amanda's 'False Hope' routine

38. Bug Hoffman to play Russian Roulette with you

39. Give Hoffman's cell phone number to every girl you see.

40. Inform Amanda that Eric Matthews is still alive.

41. Subject the audience to your random flashbacks that will not make sense until the next movie. 42. Paint "We're watching you, Detective Hoffman" at a crime scene. Instruct him to look closer, when he does, he should find a note that says "We need more Dew."

43. Sing "I'm breaking all the rules" while breaking all the rules.

44. Tape 'Getting Away With Murder' on a recorder and "accidentally" leave it at a crime scene.

45. Fix one of Amanda's traps to make it escapable.

46. Suggest that John enunciate a little more.

47. Remind him that no one likes a know-it-all.

48. Show Adam and Lawrence any fan fiction about them

49. Especially the ones that say they're gay

50. Offer up a "theory" that Amanda Young is not the only Jigsaw accomplice.

51. Present you ideas on who this other person could be

52. Tell Hoffman he's a bad cop for never realizing the possibility before

53. Give Hoffman a coffee cup with a clever slogan such as "World's Greatest Double Agent"

54. Cut a small hole in the bottom of the cup so all attempts to drink coffee from it will be thwarted.

55. Giggle sadistically when he tries.

56. And smile- you're in for a Perez-style coffee-facial!

57. Randomly comment on how screwed up your time-line is

58. Ask Hoffman what "anonymity" means

59. Make him spell it

60. Make him pronounce it

61. Realize you're picking on Hoffman more than anyone else

62. Laugh at him for being such an easy target

63. Get the rest of the team to join you

64. Tell Billy that he's just a stupid Halloween decoration

65. Threaten to throw Billy in a wood chipper.

66. Send Jill fake love letters from John

67. Send John fake love letter's from Jill

68. Tell John that Tobin Bell is creepier than him.

69. Prank call Hoffman's cell phone every half hour

70. Among those prank calls, you should present some fake information regarding the Jigsaw investigation.

71. Take advantage of the voice-changing technology

72. Wait for him to react to the prank calls. If he yells at you and seems sufficiently angered...

73. ... start texting him.

74. Text "Right now, you are feeling helpless"

75. Text "Get used to me, cause I'm not going anywhere."

76. Text "I know who you are."

77. Text "Cherish your anonymity"

78. Start using short hand. CU L8R.

79. When he starts texting back go back to calling

80. Text him odd pictures of Billy

81. Send trap parts through the mail

82. Shrug innocently when the packages don't arrive

83. Constantly attempt to use Jedi mind tricks on Hoffman

84. Offer to teach him to use the force. No matter what happens, tell him he's doing it wrong

85. Whenever Hoffman goes to work, tell him, "May the force be with you

86. Buy Hoffman a light-saber

87. Tell him it's in case he needs to murder someone unexpectedly.

88. Continue to torment Hoffman despite a new-found pity for him

89. Tell Hoffman that he is now our slave

90. When he asks why, tell him or else

91. When he asks what 'or else' means, tell him or else the police will get an anonymous call concerning Seth Baxter

92. Steal Hoffman's cell phone and repeatedly call Erickson

93. Every time Erickson answers, hang up

94. Change Hoffman's voicemail to say: "Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm currently planning the next Jigsaw game with Amanda and John. But leave me a message and I'll call you back."

95. Draw a fake mustache on Hoffman while he's asleep.

96. Dye Billy's hair blonde and put more make-up on his face

97. Dress Billy up like the Mad Hatter

98. Steal Hoffman's keys and take his car for a spin

99. Momentarily pitty Hoffman, then laugh at his vulnerability

around singing 'Getting Away With Murder'

101. Constantly tell Hoffman and Amanda how much you admire Erik Mathews for his 'outstanding police work'

102. Somehow find baby pictures of Hoffman and show them to Amanda

103. Somehow find baby pictures of Amanda and show them to Hoffman

104. Order a bunch of pizzas and have them sent to Hoffman's house.

105. Don't pay him back for the pizzas

106. Have Billy answer the door and laugh

107. Realize it's probably a bad idea to reveal the location of your lair to a pizza delivery person!

108. Invite him in to eat pizza and play some games with you and your family.

109. Buy Hoffman a poodle

110. Dare him to name it Amanda.

111. Constantly ask Jill why she wanted a divorce.

112. Ask Amanda what happened to Cecil.

113. Repeatedly comment on John's hypocrisy.

114. Show Hoffman's picture to every detective you see.

115. Tell them 'This is not the undercover Jigsaw accomplice you are looking for.'

116. When Jedi mind tricking them doesn't work, run away singing random songs.

117. Constantly tell Jill that she's crazy.

118. Constantly tell John that Jill's crazy.


End file.
